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Evil Technology

Much of technology is wonderful and beneficial to mankind, but not all. The copy machine, computers, the electric jar opener, the salad shooter, Palm Pilots, cell phones, plastic bags, aluminum cans, SUVs, and pickup trucks are but a few of the evil technology. Why you say, let me explain.

Copy machines are obviously dark evil machines. Most of them don't work for more than a month without constant service by inept technicians. Most offices copy enough paper to wax at least one old growth tree in the rain forest per day. Toxic toner clouds flood the office on changing days, God knows what's in it. Making copies usually ties up all the executives and at least one large hootered receptionist everyday, and unlike what is shown in movies I have never seen a good looking woman making butt or boob copies even at office parties.

The only good thing about cell phones is that they help us point out the true idiots of society. Everyone knows that with cell and desk phones, pagers, radios, email etc, it is still virtually impossible to contact another human directly without seeking them out personally. People can barely drive, but add a cell phone to their head, and you have an accident waiting to happen.

Computers have virtually eliminated all competent clerical staff. If you fine a person that can type, add, create a data base or spread sheet chances are they are probably immediately made CEO of the company, or assigned to developing the space shuttle. The one good service computers provide is that it enables most professionals today to misspell only 50 percent of a letter.

The new electric jar opener is the size of the jaws of life requiring a family to enlarge their kitchen to at least the size as Martha Stewart's.

Aluminum cans are not as much fun to crush on your head as the old steel cans hence they provide the least exercise and aerobic activity. They do give winos something to do during the days, but deposit bottles would clean up our streets a lot faster than the homeless.

The salad shooter is obviously an assault weapon to any trained eye. This weapon of the devil can be deadly when loaded with cucumbers, carrots, or radishes, We have to have federal registration of these implemented immediately.

Plastic bags are not as bad a problem as they could be even though they have a half life of 100,000 years, most of them are stuck to my exhaust system.

Palm pilots are totally unnecessary unless one has Alzheimer's disease, is mentally retarded, or has Lupus and can't remember what they had for supper while watching the latest reality show. Chances are that if you need a Palm Pilot to track your appointments you're not exactly running General motors. These things make you stupid and in the case of most that use them they can't afford the lose.

Then there are the huge vehicles, SUVs and pickups. The nuclear family has an average of 1.5 kids what are they hauling in these SUVs really fat children and their lunch? Pick up trucks, man are they useful. You can drive over hill and dale, run through muddy fords and creeks, climb steep hills, all using a mere 60 gallons of gas. Then why is it I see these people slowing to 5 MPH when approaching a pothole or railroad tracks? They do carry some heavy duty manly stuff however, unfortunately it is primarily used by the wife to carry a plastic bags of groceries, or for the alpha male to cart a large bag of birdseed or a load of old used Seven Eleven cups.

This kind of technology must be stopped before it's too late, and we start seeing things like home cheeto makers, automatic boil lancers, home colostomy kits, the Maglev, or light rail for God's sake!